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  • Frail
    Jars of Clay (Much Afraid)


    Convinced of my deception
    I've always been a fool
    I fear this love reaction
    Just like you said I would

    A rose could never lie
    About the love it brings
    And I could never promise
    To be any of those things

    Chorus:

    If I was not so weak
    If I was not so cold
    If I was not so scared of being broken
    Growing old
    I would be...
    I would be...
    I would be...

    Blessed are the shallow
    Depth they'll never find
    Seemed to be some comfort
    In rooms I try to hide

    Exposed beyond the shadows
    You take the cup from me
    Your dirt removes my blindness
    Your pain becomes my peace

    [Chorus]

    ...frail


    That's how I'm feeling right now, frail and weak... and old. Just realized one thing: my favorite Rush son, Prime Mover is almost 20 years old (Hold Your Fire was released in 1987) but that's not the point (Other than the fact that I turn 32 in September... sigh)



    After a while, Brennan would remember Mai's words, and wonder what philosophies, what realms of thought, the spirit of a gentle Buddhist girl melded with the mind and body of a creature of nearly unimaginable power would spin down the centuries. After a while he'd remember. But now with a sense of pain and loss as familiar to him  as his own name, he felt none of that. He just felt half past dead




    Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Laugh. Practice wellness. Play with abdandon. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Choose without regrets. LIve as if this is all there is

  • Another one of life's little lessons

    AKA: When life slaps you around for being cocky


    Angel Voice 
    Fire Bomber (Macross Dynamite 7 OST)


    mimi wo sumaseba kasuka ni kikoeru daro
    hora ano koe
    kotoba nanka ja tsutaerarenai nanika
    itsumo kanjiru
    are wa tenshi no koe
        If you strain your ears, you can probably hear it
        Hey That voice
        I always feel something
        that can't be put into words
        That's an angel's voice

    MERODI- wa kieru yami ni shimikomu you ni
    EKO- nokoshite
    shizuka ni orite'ku  DI-PU BURU- no O-RORA ni
    ore mo utau ze
        It leaves an echo
        Like a melody fading into the darkness
        It quietly descends in a deep blue aurora
        I also sing

    shinjite-ita mono ga aru
    BAKA da to iwareta keredo
    kawaranakatta ano hi no yume
        There's something I believe
        Though I'm called a fool for it
        The dream I had that day hasn't changed

    ANGEL VOICE mitsuketa no sa
    chiheisen no mukou ni KIRARI hikatta
    omae no sugata wa yume ja nakatta
    nagarete nagarete ikou
    itsuka mata aou ze
    hitomi tojireba
    itsumo kokoro no naka ni ANGEL VOICE
        ANGEL VOICE I found it
        It was shining beyond the horizon
        Your appearance wasn't a dream
        It flows and flows on
        Let's meet again
        When I close my eyes
        it's always in my heart, that ANGEL VOICE

    kokoro wa kawaru keshiki to onaji you ni
    shikata nai no sa
    kami-sama nante doko ka kimagure dakara
    ate ni suru na yo
        The heart changes, just like the scenery
        It can't be helped
        "Where is God?" is a whimsical question
        So don't count on getting an answer


    hashiri-tsuzukete iyou ze
    tachidomaru no wa mada daro
    tadoritsukitai yami no mukou
        Let's go on running
        It's not yet time to stop
        I wanna get past the dark

    ANGEL VOICE kanjita no sa
    haruka na mune no kodou RIZUMU awasete
    yatto kono basho de futari deaeta
    omae no sono sugata
    kono me ni yakitsukeru
    HEVI- na yoru ni mo
    kitto chikara ataete kureru ANGEL VOICE
        ANGEL VOICE I felt it
        The distant beat of the heart joins the rhythm
        At last we can meet here
        Your appearance
        Burns into my eyes
        Even in a heavy night
        It certainly gives me strength ANGEL VOICE

    WOW OH OH WOW OH OH ....
        WOW OH OH WOW OH OH ....

    mimi wo sumaseba itsumo kikoeru darou?
    hora ano koe
    are wa tenshi no koe
        Strain your ears, don't you hear it always?
        Hey That voice
        That's an angel's voice


    I was watching the Macross 7 OAV earlier (and yes, I finally got all my Macross 7 collection!) and it brought back memories, more so than just the series which I finished watching a couple weeks ago. It made me realize that as good as things are right now (stress and mental exhaustion notwithstanding) I am happy where I'm at and with what I'm doing. But you're never 100% satisfied, right?


    Long-term I know I want to teach 4-year college and I know what I need to do to get there but sometimes it's good to just stop for a minute/hour/day and look at where you are and how good life's been to you and how much of an ungrateful oaf you've been



    The things that you learn in maturity aren't simple things such as acquiring information and skills. You learn not to engage in self-destructive behavior. You learn not to burn up energy in anxiety. You discover how to manage your tensions. You learn that self-pity and resentment are among the most toxic of drugs. You find that the world loves talent but pays in character.


    You come to understand that most people are neither for you or against you; they are thinking about themselves. You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you -- a lesson that is at first troubling and then really quite relaxing.


    From a speech: John W. Gardner


    Yesterday was insane at work. It's been a few times that I've felt like the critiques and comments, while productive and all, were directed to me as a person and not to me as a professional. Not since my last boss that I felt so overwhelmed.  I understand intellectually  what happened and why things happened the way they did but it still killed my enthusiasm and energy for everything... I went home to keep working on my miniatures and all I managed was to stare at them for an hour or so before going to bed and watch Babylon 5 until I crashed and fell asleep.


    Part of the speech by Steve Job made me think a lot:



    My second story is about love and loss.

    I was lucky I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

    I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me Ð I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

    I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

    During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

    I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers.
    Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

    My third story is about death.

    When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

    Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything Ð all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

    About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

    I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

    This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

    No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

    Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

    When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

    Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age.
    On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

    Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.


    Steve Jobs Commencement Address @ Stanford -- 2005


    There is a downside to being successful and happy where you are is that you grow lazy, complacement and intransigent, at least that's what happened to me. I've lost track of what and who is really important for me in my life. I've made up excuses not to do some things, I've come up with hundreds and hundreds of reasons not to do the things I know I should be doing. I don't want to sound arrogant or anything but I'm good at what I do, at least all the feedback I'm getting seems to indicate that.  MY peoples' skills seem to have improved or so I've been told (the jury is out on that one though... I'm not completely sure I'm where I want to be.)


    Crazy times
    Jars of Clay (Much Afraid)


    You’re cold that way
    And that’s why you say
    The things that you say
    You can’t attract
    The things that you lack
    You’re trying in vain

    Chorus:

    It seems it’s always the crazy times
    You find you’ll wake up and realize
    It takes more than your saline eyes
    To make things right

    You spiral down
    You’ve broken your crown
    You don’t feel like a queen
    You’ve seen the proof
    But you’re still crying wolf
    You’ll never believe

    [chorus]

    You try to climb a broken ladder
    Grip the missing rungs
    And fall down, down, down
    Seems sometime ago you said
    This wouldn’t last
    And now you sit here crying

    Beside your bed
    You feel left for dead
    You kneel in the dark...

    It takes more than your saline eyes
    To make things right

    [chorus]









  • InformationWeek

    Five Ways To Keep Your Google Searches Private

    Word that the government has been seeking search data from Google has struck fear into the hearts of Internet Explorer and Firefox users. Here are five simple steps to keep outsiders from uncovering private information about your Web browsing habits.

    By Alexander Wolfe,  TechWeb.com
    Feb. 1, 2006
    URL: http://www.informationweek.com/story/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=178600222


    The recent news that the U.S. Justice Department has been seeking search data from Google, Yahoo, MSN, and America Online has struck fear into the hearts of Web surfers. Many users are concerned, not because they're done anything wrong, but because they wonder just how much personal information can be gleaned from their on-line searches.

    While the government action is aimed at fighting child porn, some computer-security pundits and newspaper columnists are raising concerns that even users who haven't gone anywhere near such toxic material could potentially have their searches traced.

    Political debates aside, the question of browser privacy is at its heart a technical issue. Whether you're using Microsoft's Internet Explorer or Mozilla's Firefox , there are at five simple steps you can take to keep Web busybodies from uncovering information on your search queries.

    Delete your history.

    This one's easy, and obvious. IE and Mozilla maintains histories of all URLs which are typed into their address bars.

    Clearing out the history is simple. Just go into "Internet Options," located under the "Tools" menu in Internet Explorer. (Here's a more detailed explanation from Microsoft.) In Firefox, histories can be clearing by going to "Tools" > "Options" > "Privacy."

    That's something Robert Petrick apparently didn't do. During his North Carolina murder trial in November, prosecutors showed that his hard drive contained Google searches for the words: "neck," "snap," "break," and "hold." Petrick was convicted of the first-degree murder of his wife. Clear out your cache.

    All browsers contain a cache, which is used to store Temporary Internet Files. The cache acts as a kind of pre-loader for the browser; if a previously viewed page is requested again, it can be loaded locally rather than going out across the 'Net to grab it a second time.

    Microsoft itself provides simple instructions on how to clear your cache. It's done by clicking the "Delete Files" button under the "Temporary Internet Files" section of the "Internet Options" dialog box.

    Firefox cleans the cache via the same "Tools" > "Options" > "Privacy" path used to ditch the history.

    However, some users don't feel that's enough. The reason: while clearing out the cache at first glance appears to get rid of a browser's temporary internet files, it doesn't clear out all remnants of the files. That's because, as is the case for other files on your hard disk, the deletion process only kills pointers to the file's data -- it doesn't physically overwrite the file. (The data's still hidden on the disk, a fact data-recovery tools use to "undelete" lost files.)

    For privacy obsessives, obliteration requires a full file wipe. That's essentially what's promised in a host of third party tools, which claim to take cache deletion to the next level.


    Bust your cookies.

    After history and cache, the third leg of the browser privacy triad is cookies. These are small files Web sites place on your PC to log information on your visits. (The Mozilla Foundation provides a consumer-friendly explanation of how and why sites suck in cookies, here.)

    Many Web sites won't let you visit them if you have your cookies turned off, but that doesn't mean you can't periodically clean them out. Microsoft provides easy instructions for cookie deletion.

    For Firefox, there's an available "view cookie" add-on that lets users look at who's looking at them. Users looking to consolidate their clean-up efforts can turn to a tool from Microsoft. Though it's called "Clear Cache Feature For Internet Explorer," the program will actually delete all temporary Internet files, cookies, and history files. It was originally developed to help out users plagued by corrupted entries causing IE errors, but it can be used by anyone running IE under Windows XP.

    Having to separately delete one's history, cache, and cookies will be a thing of the past in the next version of Internet Explorer. As Microsoft's IE blog notes, Internet Explorer 7, which is currently in limited beta, will include a new all-in-one delete feature. This will get rid of temporary Internet files and cookies along with the history, in one fell swoop.

    Aware of such developments, e-commerce providers seem to be looking to stay one step ahead of users' privacy efforts. A recent development in this regard is a cookie-on-steroids technology called the persistent identification element, which burrows more permanently into users' PCs.

    Use an anonymous surfing tool.

    The latest craze in Web privacy is anonymous surfing. Third party tools configure your brower to use proxy servers, which act as an intermediate client between sender and receiver. This makes it pretty much impossible for sites to figure out where the original user that's pinging them is located (they only see the proxy server).

    The Electronic Privacy Information Center has compiled perhaps the most comprehensive list of anonymous surfing tools, though the group is quick to point out that it doesn't endorse specific products. (EPIC is a privacy advocacy group, in Wash., D.C., which boasts 'Net pioneer Vint Cerf on its advisory board.)

    The list of software offerings includes the $30 Anonymous Surfing package from Anonymizer and Guardster, a monthly fee-based proxy site. Public Proxy Servers provides what it says is a list of sites around the world which act as anonymous proxies.

    The Cloak, which acts an anonymous surfing proxy, warns users that is will not tolerate any illegal activity and notifies them: "You should assume that we will comply with court orders or subpoenas demanding log files entries, as we do not know our users and therefore cannot mount a legal challenge."

    Whether such anonymous surfing tools will continue to thrive is anybody's guess. On first glance, the technology harkens back to the anonymous remailers which thrived in the early days of the Internet. The most famous of these, the Finland-based anon.pinet.fi remailer, was shut down in 1996 amid allegations it had been used to transfer child porn.

    Rethink your search strategies.

    "If you haven't done anything wrong, you don't have anything to worry about," goes an old saying popular among law enforcement types. (Privacy advocates would disagree.)

    Nevertheless, users concerned about privacy in all its forms have one decidedly low-tech form of protection available to them. Namely, stay away from any site you wouldn't want anyone else to know you've visited. (Remember, your spouse is far more likely to see your browser history than some faceless government official who's off stalking serious abuse.)

    Some may agree with the sentiment expressed by Cox News Service columnist Todd Powell. "Privacy has become a confusing thing for me," he wrote. "There's a public version of me and a private one."

    Like most 'Net users, Powell worries about strangers getting ahold of information he'd think twice about sharing with some family members. To keep that from happening, and to avoid downloading viruses and spyware onto your computer, it's only common sense to be careful where you surf.

    For concerned parents, Microsoft provides a Content Advisor tool, which limits childrens' access to a specific list of Web sites you define.



    Copyright © 2005 CMP Media LLC

  • Keep reminding yourself of this


    These are the days
    Jo Dee Messina (Burn)


    I wake up to the sunshine out my
    window and the passin’ sound of a homeless man
    Singin’ an ol’ Cole Porter song
    The faucet leaks, the TV’s on the blink again
    But my restless dreams are still intact
    Even though it’s takin’ way too long
    Got a hundred dollars in a coke tin on my shelf
    And I’m thinkin’ to myself, whoa

    These are the days you will remember for the rest of your life
    These are the memories you’ll pack in a box and pull ‘em out sometimes
    So pick your flowers, count the seconds, roll the dice
    But baby, don’t wait ‘till its too late
    Put a smile on your face
    These are the days

    Outside the people rush to get ahead for checks, promotions and fancy cars
    Happiness is just around the bend
    Old Mrs. Jones sits out and suns her face, and as I walk by I hear her say
    This is as good as it gets
    There goes the business suit who owns this whole damn block
    His roller coaster never stops
    I wanna say to him

    These are the days you will remember for the rest of your life
    These are the memories you’ll pack in a box and pull ‘em out sometimes
    So pick your flowers, count the seconds, roll the dice
    But baby, don’t wait ‘till its too late
    Put a smile on your face
    These are the days

  • Documentary exposes ratings board's hypocrisy


    Sean P. Means


    PARK CITY - Have you ever been bothered by something, but never felt articulate enough to say why it was bothering you, and then find someone else has compiled the evidence you always needed to make your argument? That's what I felt watching Kirby Dick's firebrand documentary "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" when it premiered here Wednesday night at the 2006 Sundance Film Festival. The target of Dick's investigative filmmaking is the Motion Picture Association of America, which serves both as Hollywood's chief lobbyist and - because of its all-powerful movie ratings - the movie industry's in-house censor. Yes, the MPAA is a de facto censor, even though the group always denies it. The MPAA's ratings have the power of life and death over a movie - and the assignment of the most severe rating, the NC-17, pretty much ensures the movie will not play in most theaters, or be advertised in many newspapers, or be stocked on most video-store shelves. If that's not the equivalent of censorship, I don't know what is. But it's not just the MPAA's power that Dick's movie rails against, it's the capricious way the MPAA wields that power. Through interviews with filmmakers who have gone through the process, and illustrated with clips from the offending films, Dick shows what I and many critics have been saying for years - that the reasons why the MPAA assigns ratings are arbitrary, and reveal a pattern of biases that go beyond the ratings board's stated mission of protecting children. Among the MPAA's double standards:



    • Sexual content triggers harsher ratings far more frequently than violence.

    • Gay sex will earn a harsher rating, even if less nudity or sexual behavior is shown than in similarly shot heterosexual sex scenes.

    • Independent filmmakers are treated poorly in comparison to their studio counterparts, and the ratings board is more likely to help a studio filmmaker by suggesting what to cut to get a more-desirable rating.

    • Scenes of women in the throes of orgasm (like Chloe Sevigny in "Boys Don't Dry") are considered dirty.

    • What gets an R in one movie often gets an NC-17 in another, and the ratings board never has to explain why.

    Perhaps most damning in Dick's movie is the revelation that the people who make these decisions - the raters and the appeals committee - hide under a cloak of anonymity, never taking responsibility for their decisions. Dick aims to change that. He hires a private detective, a brassy lady named Becky Altringer, to track down - through such old-fashioned methods as following them home and digging through their trash - the individual ratings-board members. What Dick and Altringer discover shows that the MPAA, so strict in monitoring cinematic transgressions, can't even follow its own rules. For example, board membership is supposedly limited to "parents with children between 5 and 17." In fact, several raters have children who have grown up and left the nest. The movie concludes with Dick submitting his film to the MPAA for a rating - a process that, from the inside, is both comic and chilling. Dick's submission seems to reveal yet another case of the MPAA ignoring its own rules. According to a story in the Los Angeles Times this week, the MPAA made a copy of Dick's movie for its own purposes - even though Dick had asked the MPAA not to. "This organization, so concerned with anti-piracy, made an illegal duplication of my film," Dick said. Dick's lawyer told the Times that he is contemplating a lawsuit. (The MPAA called Dick's accusations untrue, suggesting it's all a big publicity stunt for the movie.) After the movie's premiere Wednesday, Dick listed three changes he would like to see: removing the veil of secrecy from the ratings process, writing clear and well-outlined standards, and bringing in child-behavior experts to consult about the true effects of sexual and violent content on children. Those are good steps toward recovery of a broken system. But the first step is admitting you have a problem - and the MPAA is still in deep denial.

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